When do these youth, even these children begin to believe that life is about fighting (killing?) your way to the top?
I love you, Dear Parent - each and every one!
Mimi
Parenting Blog - Talking When You’re Angry – Don’t!
When I worked at a court-ordered neutral exchange house to provide visitation services for divorced and uncooperative parents, I was stunned by the inappropriate communication the parents used with their children, with the staff, and even in letters to be passed to the other parent:
Talking to the child: “Now, Honey, I'm sorry you HAVE to visit your dad for an hour here, but don't worry; I'll come right back here if he tries to do anything bad.” We called that “harmful coaching” and demanded families abstain from such conversations with their children. We tried hard to separate the parents' angry relationship with each other from the child's right to know and love each parent.
Talking to our staff: “You better tell her that if she can't bring these kids to visitation clean and well-fed, that I will turn her in...” Parents often watched for any small (and not so small) reason to berate the other...and usually, in front of the kids. The policies of most visitation and exchange houses provide for snacks and a clean up area, but the parents had to be told over and over (and we had to continually remind ourselves) that we cannot force our own standards on others. Safety was our guiding rationale for any action or policy. And respectful communication, at least for the sake of the child, was the standard of behavior within the house.
Passing letters, some hidden! Occasionally a parent wanted us to pass along a doctor bill that the other parent was legally obligated to pay. If the paying parent welcomed such “pass-throughs,” we tolerated the exchange. But some parents barked back at us that the parent with the bill “can just send it to the lawyer, ‘cause I ain’t payin’ it!” Likewise, if there were parents that wished to communicate with each other neutral or unemotional things about the child, such as the Little League spring schedule, we would pass these things along; but, unfortunately, these parents would often then try to fight (trap) the other parent with…”you had the kids' schedule; why couldn’t you spend your precious evening coming to the ballgame?”
Some parents even tried to “continue their divorce” by hiding hateful notes in the children's back pack or diaper bags. When we insisted on opening such “mail” or searching the bags, the staff was at risk of the ire of the sending parent.
Here's a few tips we gave angry parents at the visitation house to try to communicate more effectively with the other parent:
The only goal or mission of communication between angry parents is to relay necessary information concerning the child or to secure the necessary cooperation that promotes (only) the child’s welfare.
Writing a note is a permanent document which can be submitted to courts and legal authorities. Write responsibly. And...consider your verbal communication the same.
Give only facts of information and ask for only facts. Completely strip your sentences of emotion or manipulation. No threats allowed.
Look for cooperation rather than agreement. The focus is your child's welfare not your satisfaction or triumph over the other parent.
Write or speak with respect, as to someone your child loves. Respect yourself by behaving civilly.
Be open to the possibility that the other parent may not agree with your suggestion or proposal. Be willing to negotiate or consider a Plan B or C.
My message to recently divorced, angry, hurting parents...and to all of us is...
Your child will certainly be affected (ie: shaped!) by grudges, ongoing animosity, and disrespect, even if he/she cannot verbalize it. Remember your child holds equal DNA from both parents.
Psalm 19:14, Psalm 141:3, Matthew 5:44-45, Colossians 4:6
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