Look around, read the news, sit in a classroom, worst of all, read comments anonymously posted on the web. Is it just me...or does it seem there is a lot of anger, quickly erupting anger, vicious anger in the air nowadays? The lack of a sense of cooperation and civility, let alone personal centeredness or peace, is nearly palpable.
When do these youth, even these children begin to believe that life is about fighting (killing?) your way to the top?

God, we need You.

I love you, Dear Parent - each and every one!
Mimi

Parenting Blog - Talking When You’re Angry – Don’t!

When I worked at a court-ordered neutral exchange house to provide visitation services for divorced and uncooperative parents, I was stunned by the inappropriate communication the parents used with their children, with the staff, and even in letters to be passed to the other parent:

Talking to the child: “Now, Honey, I'm sorry you HAVE to visit your dad for an hour here, but don't worry; I'll come right back here if he tries to do anything bad.” We called that “harmful coaching” and demanded families abstain from such conversations with their children. We tried hard to separate the parents' angry relationship with each other from the child's right to know and love each parent.

Talking to our staff: “You better tell her that if she can't bring these kids to visitation clean and well-fed, that I will turn her in...” Parents often watched for any small (and not so small) reason to berate the other...and usually, in front of the kids. The policies of most visitation and exchange houses provide for snacks and a clean up area, but the parents had to be told over and over (and we had to continually remind ourselves) that we cannot force our own standards on others. Safety was our guiding rationale for any action or policy. And respectful communication, at least for the sake of the child, was the standard of behavior within the house.

Passing letters, some hidden! Occasionally a parent wanted us to pass along a doctor bill that the other parent was legally obligated to pay. If the paying parent welcomed such “pass-throughs,” we tolerated the exchange. But some parents barked back at us that the parent with the bill “can just send it to the lawyer, ‘cause I ain’t payin’ it!” Likewise, if there were parents that wished to communicate with each other neutral or unemotional things about the child, such as the Little League spring schedule, we would pass these things along; but, unfortunately, these parents would often then try to fight (trap) the other parent with…”you had the kids' schedule; why couldn’t you spend your precious evening coming to the ballgame?”

Some parents even tried to “continue their divorce” by hiding hateful notes in the children's back pack or diaper bags. When we insisted on opening such “mail” or searching the bags, the staff was at risk of the ire of the sending parent.

Here's a few tips we gave angry parents at the visitation house to try to communicate more effectively with the other parent:

• The only goal or mission of communication between angry parents is to relay necessary information concerning the child or to secure the necessary cooperation that promotes (only) the child’s welfare.

• Writing a note is a permanent document which can be submitted to courts and legal authorities. Write responsibly. And...consider your verbal communication the same.

• Give only facts of information and ask for only facts. Completely strip your sentences of emotion or manipulation. No threats allowed.

• Look for cooperation rather than agreement. The focus is your child's welfare not your satisfaction or triumph over the other parent.

• Write or speak with respect, as to someone your child loves. Respect yourself by behaving civilly.

• Be open to the possibility that the other parent may not agree with your suggestion or proposal. Be willing to negotiate or consider a Plan B or C.

My message to recently divorced, angry, hurting parents...and to all of us is...

Your child will certainly be affected (ie: shaped!) by grudges, ongoing animosity, and disrespect, even if he/she cannot verbalize it. Remember your child holds equal DNA from both parents.

Psalm 19:14, Psalm 141:3, Matthew 5:44-45, Colossians 4:6

Hey! It's the Great Darke County Fair time! If you are not from this county in Ohio, google it! Yes, our town (Greenville) nearly shuts down for the fair. Most of us have grown up spending every August dreaming about the fair, saving money for the fair, preparing our animals or crafts or art or cakes for the fair, and finally... finally, on that first Friday, we must go to the fair!
As I've gotten older, most of the year I think, "What is the big, stinkin' deal? Really, now?" And then on Thursday night before the fair opens, I can nearly smell the cotton candy and taste the sausages; I hear the cacophany of sounds unique to this fair and I can see the million lights. So, in spite of myself, I'll go again this year!
But, when I was single...it was a bit painful...

Parenting Blog - Single with Kids

Single parenting is not the ideal, as any truthful single parent will tell you. Single parenting is not just tiring, but exhausting! Single parenting is lonely; single parenting is sad and confusing. There are innumerable daily questions and concerns about the home and kids that couples often resolve together or at least have a mutual interest in. Facing all this as a single parent can feel overwhelming. However, being single with kids is not a reason to hurry into another relationship.

When I divorced after 18 years of marriage and with six children, my first fear (besides where would the next meal come from) was that my children might lose hope in the love of a spouse when they grew up. I always deeply wanted, and still do, that my children recognize the absolute sacredness of the institution of marriage between a man and a woman (yes, I put that in print).

My second fear after divorcing was that my kids would like their dad better than me! True confession! My struggles are just like yours! And although I was mad and tired and lonely, I knew I could not be responsible to my children's wellbeing nor to my own future if I immediately “hooked up.”

For parents who divorce, the negative emotions generated make it difficult to consider the children's welfare above their own pain. However, it is critical to find the self-discipline needed to manage this life change as “the adult.” The children should not have to suffer needlessly by an angry, spiteful parent (although there will be some suffering for everyone involved in a divorce). The children should not have to choose one parent over the other because children NEED both a mom and a dad. On this note, a divorced parent must try to respect the role of the other parent, if not the person. Neither should a child from divorcing parents have to play the parent role by taking care of an emotionally damaged parent. Adding another romantic adult to the mix is fuel to fire.

Rather than desperately looking for another man or woman to take away my pain, I held the pain briefly, that is, I let myself experience it. I respected it as my thermometer for the fire in my life, but, as a believer, I knew it was not the final word about my life. No one can do this alone. I could not do it without God. And, I found that focusing on my children's needs as they journeyed through the divorce helped to drain away some of the negative energy of my own frustrations, sadness and loneliness.

When I teach single parents, I always ask them to name the people in their personal network (or to dream with me in establishing such a network): safe people with whom the parent might discuss parenting goals and challenges; positive people who will offer support in redefining family traditions; fun people with whom the parent can create newness and freshness in the home (new curtains, clean out the cupboards and fill with YOUR favorite foods, etc.). A personal network should also include wise people who might help the parent in reinventing or revitalizing his/her career; healthy people who will influence the family in building good health into everyday routine; and very importantly, godly people who will pray for the family and help bring God’s presence as an anchor into the family's life. Do you have such a network?

Building such relationships takes time. Time – you need it; your kids need it. Time itself does not heal all things, rather time may be the only commodity you have under your own control. And you may spend it to heal all things.

Ephesians 6:1-4, II Corinthians 6:14-18, Luke 17:3-5, Psalm 86:6, Matthew 6:12, I John 1:9, James 5:16

And if you just gotta go to the fair, go with the kids!

Love you,

Mimi

The news has reported recently in my small rural mid-western community an undressed 4-year-old walking the street alone all afternoon while dad napped, a 9-month-old near drowning in a bathtub when mom stepped out of the room, and a 10-year-old fatally shot, no details of where were the parents.

It is easy to cast blame. We all know, because of our own failures, that no parent is ever completely free from mistakes or selfishness. However, as heartbroken as I am today for these local families, I must ask all of us to consider...

Why is it so hard to protect our children?
What are we so busy doing that children's safety is not an absolute priority?
When did we become so full of ourselves, so distracted by things, and so careless with our own children who are precious gifts come to us straight from heaven? Psalm 127:3

God, please help us.
Amen,
Mimi

Parenting Blog -Begin and End with Safety

Because doting new parents are often overwhelmed with adoration of their newborns, safety is usually a top priority: safety from too much cold, too much sun, safety from bumps, from germs, from loud noises and on and on. Usually, the STATE is a couple steps ahead insisting on ultra-padded, multi-buckled car seats, cribs du jour, and warnings that tummy naps are now a sin.

Then, when infants begin to crawl, good parents lay on their own tummies on the floor and look all around to get a “child's eye view” of their home to correct the dangers of dangling cords, plug-ins, sharp objects, etc. When the crawlers begin to toddle, careful parents try to protect their little explorers from falling hazards. Regardless, we find that most toddlers sport a shiner or a goose-egg occasionally, learning the balance thing.

We should want to protect the pre-schoolers from strangers, the school-agers from evil on the web, and the high-schoolers from drugs. These dark possibilities are so fearsome, in fact, to many parents, that their strategies to protect their children often overwhelm their trust in God.

As parents, do we make prayer and faith one of our parenting strategies? Do we take time to bow on our knees or lay on our own tummies (prostrate) to pray for our children and our neighbors' children, our schools and cities? Understanding God's Word and devotion to prayer is where there is divine wisdom and strength to build protection over our families and to develop self-protection within our children. Parenting strategies without God's input are rather frail fences, indeed.

As they mature, our children may sport a shiner or two, but a family's trust, support, and love provide a safety net for human beings that nothing else can. And, of course, there are things in life from which we cannot protect our children: true accidents, some health disorders, random violence, mental struggles. Christian parents will strategically build respect, honor, love, and trust in God which provide not only a critical reserve within ourselves to face eventualities of life, but also such reserves are built within our children, offering them protection for their souls. Life's worst dangers may assault us but may not destroy us. II Corinthians 4:7-18. This is the stuff of eternity – salvation (safety), no matter what. Psalm 127, Matthew 10:28; Hebrews 13:5.